


Above The Fire

by meredithhildebrand



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Feelings, Fire, M/M, Magic, Self-Reflection, Some Fluff, and his problems, baz actually deserves the world and so much more, but he's learning how to move on, emo Baz, i don't actually know right now, i love Baz so much, i mean who doesnt, ita mainly just Baz talking about himself, just a short little oneshot, mention of boys kissing, migjf make this two chapters??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-12-15 05:21:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11799270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meredithhildebrand/pseuds/meredithhildebrand
Summary: It feels like crashing and falling and burning all at the same time, but it's living, and Crowley, the feeling of being alive is all I've ever wanted.





	Above The Fire

**_BAZ_ **

 

  
It feels like crashing and falling and burning all at the same time, but it's _living_ , and Crowley, the feeling of being alive is all I've ever wanted.  
And I'm damned if I'm not going to let myself be happy, despite all the shit I've been through. Because honestly, that's all it really is. It's just momentary, just a change of wind direction. A candle flame being blown out and lit again.  
Simon's mouth is warm and feels like a spark against my own, and I swear that a supernova is growing inside of my chest and I'm inches away from being obliterated into nothing.  
If this is what true love, what real love, feels like...  
It feels like _heaven_. Or at least pretty damn close. And I can't imagine letting it go, not when it's practically in my hands. For someone like me, the idea of heaven is too good to be true. Out of reach. Too far away to see, but close enough to know that it's real.

Simon's nose brushes softly against my cheek and I pull him into my lap, winding my fingers into his curls and sighing his name softly against his mouth.  
Crowley, this has to be what feeling undeniably alive is like. This crazy, massive, ethereal feeling that takes me in and pulls me underneath, filling my mouth with stars and bleeding galaxies into my chest cavity.  
It's better than magic. And for someone who's lived their whole life with magic, it's saying a lot. Because magic is like a gateway into another world, another dimension, another life. It's rare and incredible, almost too good to be real.  
It's not tangible.  
But this, whatever I have with Simon, feels so undeniably _real_ that I have to stop so that I can catch my breath, and restart my heart because I've never felt this weightless before. As if I'm just a shell, empty. Detached from all of my organs and veins and arteries. Detached from my problems. From my memories. It's a strange feeling. It's light, airy, unfamiliar. But strangely comforting, and my whole body feels warm. It's like having a fire inside of me, raging and burning and setting a flame to everything it touches. 

Its like feeling as if I'm bigger than my body, as if my problems can't touch me at all. 

And it's fucking spectacular. Too amazing to actually be real.

I feel like I'm being set on fire. 

And the feeling of burning, or at least the illusion of it, is pulling me down and dragging me against the ceiling of the universe. And feeling as if I'm ablaze, is so strangely electrifying and elevating that a hysterical laugh wants to bubble its way through my throat, wants to urge itself out of my mouth. 

I've always had an interest of burning. Partly because I knew I was flammable, but also because the thought of seeing myself go up in flames was so addictive and exciting that I couldn't let it go, no matter how hard I tried to loosen my grip on it. 

I know that my mother had a special way about fire. She could conjure up glowing flames from her hands in a split second, the bright, painful light radiating and spilling through her fingers as if the fire was water, and not what it really turned out to be. She could create flames that would shine onto her face, illuminating the dips and peaks of her eyes, her nose, her mouth.

She was _wicked_. She could set anything to flame. And sometimes, she seemed too out of this world to seem real, to seem touchable. 

I was lucky enough to have some of that fire, some of that spark, given to me as well. Because without it, I wouldn't know what to do. Fire has always been a safe place to me, a cradle. Because as a child, it was comforting knowing that no matter what, I would be protected by them. I couldn't be touched by something as destructive as flames.

Some days, and those days are few and far between, I feel as if my ability to create fire is the only good thing the world has ever given to me. But then I always remember Simon, and everything seems brighter, more vibrant, more tangible. Not so out of reach and far away, and that feeling is addictive. It's sort of like getting an electrical rod pressed into my spine. It jolts me back awake to the present. 

And everything seems a little bit better. I'm still healing, and in some ways, I'm still broken. I'm still searching for a way to mend my wounds, because at the end of the day, it takes a while to finally feel okay again. Some days, I feel as if I'm still a monster, and don't deserve to be here. As if I have no purpose. 

But it's all just momentary. 

And I'm not going to let myself crash again. Not like I did before. 

Because I'm learning to be stronger. I'm learning how to fix my wounds, how to look at my scars that this world has given me and to finally be okay with them. 

I'm finally learning what it really means to be alive. What it means to feel potent, and not just a shadow in a world of light. 

_I want to see the world in a brighter light than I used to see it. Because I'm done with the darkness, the shadows. There's so much more out there than that._

_And above the fire, above the smoke, above the flames, all there really is is the sky._

_Because after a while, everything finally stops burning. The smoke fades and all that's left is a new  beginning. A new start._

_Nothing lasts forever. Not if it's not supposed to._

_END_

**Author's Note:**

> so, first off, I just wanted to say that I'm taking a little break from my chaptered fic to write this one shot because the idea just sprung in my head and I couldn't not write it and post it. I really hope that you guys all like this, and as always, feedback and kudos/comments are welcome and really do inspire me to improve my writing and to actually write more, so I just wanted to give a quick thank you to everyone who has ever commented something on any of my works; the feedback and support means so much to me and I really appreciate it. thank you!


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